Identifying and getting needs met in adulthood (Part 2)

In Part 1, we looked at the idea that all children have core emotional needs, and what can happen when those needs aren’t met in a “good enough” way.

In this post, we’re shifting the focus to adulthood—specifically, how those early experiences can impact your ability to recognise your needs, and what it looks like to begin getting them met.

If you’re doing Schema Therapy, it’s likely you’re hearing the word “needs” a lot. But for many people, when it comes to their own life, it can feel surprisingly hard to answer a simple question: What do I need right now?

Why identifying needs can feel so unclear

When needs are met consistently in childhood, we tend to develop a stable sense of self, along with the ability to understand and respond to our internal world.

But when needs aren’t met, something else can happen.

Rather than becoming more aware of our needs, we often adapt by moving away from them. This isn’t a conscious decision—it’s a survival response. If a need isn’t going to be met, it can feel safer not to feel it too clearly in the first place.

Over time, this can lead to a kind of disconnection. You might feel anxious, flat, irritated, or overwhelmed—but not have a clear sense of what sits underneath.

A common adaptation: losing touch with your own needs

One way this can play out is through subjugating your own needs in order to maintain relationships. For example, some children grow up in environments where they take on a caregiving role, sometimes referred to as parentification. Instead of being supported, the child becomes the one who manages emotions, keeps things steady, or looks after others.

In this context, focusing on your own needs can feel uncomfortable, unfamiliar, or even wrong. The implicit message can become: Other people's needs matter more than mine. Over time, this pattern can carry forward into adulthood.

How this can show up later in life

Let’s take "Sarah" as an example. As a child, Sarah was highly attuned to others. She learned to notice what people needed, step in quickly, and keep things calm. There wasn’t much space for her own needs, so she became very good at putting them aside.

As an adult, Sarah found herself in a series of relationships where this same pattern repeated. She was thoughtful, supportive, and emotionally available—but over time, she would feel drained, resentful, and quietly hurt.

When something didn’t feel right, her attention went outward: "What’s going on for them?”, “Maybe I’m expecting too much”,“I should just be more understanding.”

The idea of asking herself “What do I need?” didn’t come naturally.

When Sarah began therapy, there was often a sense of blankness when this question was asked. But gradually, by slowing things down and noticing her internal responses—tension, frustration, withdrawal—she began to make links between her feelings and her underlying needs.

For her, these included needs for reciprocity, emotional presence, and support. This shift didn’t happen all at once. It involved learning to turn her attention inward, often for the first time, and to take her own experience seriously.

The difference between feelings and needs

A helpful step in this process is learning to distinguish between feelings and needs.

Feelings are signals. They might show up as anxiety, sadness, irritation, numbness, or a sense of being overwhelmed. Needs sit underneath those feelings—they point to what is required.

For example, anxiety might relate to a need for reassurance, clarity, or safety. Irritation might reflect a need for space or boundaries. Sadness can point to a need for comfort, care, or connection.

If we stay only at the level of feelings, it’s hard to know how to respond. When we can identify the need underneath, it becomes easier to take meaningful action.

Why expressing needs can feel risky

Even when you start to recognise your needs, expressing them can feel like a big step.

If you’ve learned, like Sarah, that your role is to accommodate others, then saying:“I need support”, “I need space”, “I need something to be different here” can feel uncomfortable, or even unsafe.

There can be fears such as:

• “I’m too much”

• “They’ll think I’m needy”

• “It won’t go well anyway”

• "I'll lose my connection with them"

  
  

Because of this, it can feel easier to hint, stay quiet, or continue prioritising others. Unfortunately, this often maintains the same cycle of unmet needs.

Beginning to do things differently

Shifting this pattern doesn’t require a dramatic change. It usually starts quite simply.

It might involve pausing and asking, “What am I feeling right now?” and then gently following that with, “What might I need?”

At first, the answers might be unclear. That’s okay. The process itself—turning your attention inward—is the beginning of reconnecting.

From there, small steps towards expressing needs can make a difference. This might be as simple as naming that you’re feeling overwhelmed and would appreciate support, or recognising that you need some time to yourself.

These moments of expression are often significant, even if they seem small.

When needs aren’t met

An important part of this work is recognising that not all needs will be met, even when they are expressed clearly.

Some people may not understand, may respond defensively, or may not have the capacity to meet you in the way you need. While this can be disappointing, it doesn’t mean your needs are wrong.

Part of adulthood is learning where your needs are more likely to be met, and adjusting accordingly. This might involve changing patterns within relationships, or reconsidering which relationships feel sustainable over time.

Bringing it together

In Schema Therapy terms, what we’re describing here is a pattern where early unmet needs can lead to schemas (such as defectiveness or emotional deprivation), and coping modes that keep those patterns going.

In Sarah’s case, subjugating her needs and focusing on others was a way of adapting. It made sense in her early environment. But in adulthood, it left her disconnected from herself and repeatedly in relationships where her needs weren’t met.

Learning to identify and respond to her needs wasn’t about becoming demanding—it was about developing a more balanced and sustainable way of relating, both to herself and to others.

A final note

Starting to identify your needs as an adult can feel unfamiliar at first. If you’ve spent years focusing outward, it makes sense that turning inward takes practice.

But over time, this shift—from “What’s wrong with me?” to “What do I need?”—can be a powerful one.

It creates the possibility for responses that are more grounded, relationships that feel more mutual, and a stronger sense of connection to yourself.