The Guilt-Inducing Critic in Schema Therapy

The guilt-inducing critic shows up as an overdeveloped sense of guilt and responsibility in adulthood. There can be different childhood origins to this inner critic. One way this critic develops is through having an anxious parent, whose ability to regulate their emotions is dependent on their child suppressing their own emotions and needs.

Ben* was a highly successful landscape gardener in his mid-30s. Married to his childhood sweetheart, Peta, his life looked to be on-track. His landscaping business was on the brink of expanding, and was set to give him and Peta the financial freedom they’d always dreamed of.

However, Ben was also struggling with depression. He hated the business side of things, and longed to go back to the actual gardening. But - as he kept telling himself - him and Peta were trying to start a family and she was relying on the financial stability that his business expansion would create.

Ben started Schema Therapy with me, and soon we identified the disconnect between the work Ben wanted to be doing, versus the long days looking at spreadsheets and meeting with banks.

When asked why he couldn’t connect in with his authentic self, and go back to the work he longed to do, Ben replied, “I couldn’t let Peta down – she’s relying on me.” He steadfast refused to even consider going back to the gardening work he loved so much.

We explored Ben's childhood. Growing up, he told me his father was largely absent, burying himself in his work. His mother was highly anxious, and appeared to become even more overwhelmed if Ben needed something or asked for help. He recalled a memory of when he was in Grade 2, and he was was being targeted by bullies at school. He tried to talk to his mother but she got so distressed, that he ended up telling her everything was ok, and lying when she asked about it subsequently. He told me "I just didn't want her to be upset. If I pretended everything was ok, she was ok".

---

In Schema Therapy, the guilt-inducing critic is a voice that is internalised from childhood, putting excess guilt and responsibility onto a person.

Like other inner critics in Schema Therapy, it rarely shows up as a conscious 'voice', and is more likely to feel like a sense of guilt held in the body.

The origins of this inner critic could be parents that directly tell a child that they are responsible for them, or their feelings, in some way. Or, a child may receive more covert messages - such as a child who learns their parents depends on them either emotionally or physically.

In Ben's case, his mother was highly anxious and he was probably a sensitive child - possibly with an innate temperament prone to feeling guilt. As a child, Ben felt an excessive sense of guilt when his own emotions or needs caused his Mum's anxiety to spike, as well as responsibility for regulating her emotions. Without knowing it, what he was learning at this time was that he had to sacrifice his own authentic self in order to keep his mother happy.

Ben didn't even realise he had a guilt-inducing critic. He just thought his desire to make sure Peta was ok, to the detriment of his own career and happiness, was "normal".

It took us a number of sessions to help him see that the origins of this excessive guilt were in his childhood relationship with his mother.

---

Ben's initial work in therapy was understanding the origins of his guilt-inducing critic, and make conscious the voice in his head that had previously been unconscious.

He began to label this voice when it spoke up ("that's my guilty critic") and critique what it was telling him - rather than taking it as the factual truth.

From there, we connected in with little Ben, his inner child, and the Emotional Deprivation schema that he carried in this part of himself. This was the little boy that had pushed down his own needs and emotions because he felt guilty about making Mum feel anxious and overwhelmed.

We used Imagery Rescripting (ImR) to go back to some of Ben's childhood memories, and give little Ben the message that Mum's emotions were too much for him to carry, and that he deserved to get attention, attunement and care.

Slowly over time, Ben was able to see that as a child, he deserved to be able to have needs and express emotions, and that it always been too much of a burden for him to bear Mum's emotions and anxiety.

With my help, Ben started to reparent little Ben, check in with this part of himself, and remind this inner child that he was never responsible for his mother's emotions - just like he couldn't be responsible for Peta's. This created space for Ben to tune into his own authentic needs and follow the path that felt 'right' for him.

---

Today, Ben is back to the gardening side of landscaping. He isn't going to make as much money as he would as a business mogul - but he's not depressed and he feels in-tune with his authentic purpose.

He was able to tell Peta that he wasn't happy, and address the feelings of guilt that came up in the conversation. Of course, there was a rocky period while his relationship with Peta was re-navigated, based on Ben's newly found sense of authenticity and vulnerability. However, Peta was able to prioritise Ben's happiness and fulfillment over her desire for him to build a business empire.

Ben continues to connect in with his inner child, and remind little Ben that his needs are important and deserve to be prioritised.

*'Ben' is a purely fictional character that is not based on or related to any of my current or past clients.